Snape's Identity Crisis
by Obsidiantears
Summary: Severus and Hermione encounter a Harry Potter Convention at a Muggle Hotel in London


Disclaimer: Not mine. All belongs to JK Rowling. I write fanfic for pleasure, not money.  
  
//denotes Severus' thoughts//  
  
Thanks to Corazon for betareading  
  
Snape's Identity Crisis  
  
Obsidiantears  
  
He walked briskly up to the long wooden front desk at the Muggle hotel in London. //A nice enough  
  
place.// His black leather boots sank slightly into the lush, burgundy carpet of the lobby as he stood  
  
in a short line. Above him, the upper expanse of the lobby opened up to a glass-paneled ceiling and  
  
crystal chandeliers.  
  
Severus Snape was not one to dawdle in the company of Muggles, and he shifted uneasily on the  
  
squashy carpet. The inept muggle woman behind the lobby counter chatted personably with the man  
  
ahead of him in line. Snape glowered impatiently at the back of the man's balding head.  
  
Finally, he stepped up to the counter. The cheery desk clerk asked him some nonsense about 'the  
  
convention.'  
  
"You almost look the part," she told him. //Part of what?//  
  
"Name, please."  
  
"Snape," he replied absently, catching a glimpse of a child with messy black hair and round glasses.   
  
He almost swore for a moment that it was a young reincarnation of his least favorite ex-student. //I  
  
must be seeing things.//  
  
"You've got to be kidding me. What's your name, really." Severus looked inquisitively at the  
  
curly blonde woman.  
  
"Snape," he snapped at her. "Severus Snape."  
  
"Yeah, right!" She giggled. But she checked the computer screen. "Oh, here you are. Room 507.   
  
Wow! I guess you're really getting into the spirit of the convention, then." She typed in a  
  
confirmation and pulled out a card key. "Well, here you be, Mr. Snape, or should I say, Professor."  
  
Severus eyed her suspiciously, suddenly wary.  
  
"Do I know you?" he asked carefully. But she just giggled again.  
  
"Do you have the full costume? You might almost have a chance at the look-alike contest."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Have fun!" She smiled and called for the next person in line.  
  
Severus glanced around, his heightened senses thrumming with adrenalin. Hermione had assured  
  
him that no one would recognize them in Muggle London, of all places. He spotted the elevator and  
  
hurried toward it. He pressed the button with an up arrow on it and stepped back when it lit up.  
  
Moments later, a bell dinged and the brass doors slid open. Severus stared agog at the three  
  
occupants that emerged. All three of them were young boys, perhaps eleven or twelve years old in  
  
funny black robes made of a flimsy black material. //Are they wizards? Certainly not very good at  
  
muggle disguises.// All three of them had messy, black hair and owlishly round glasses.   
  
//Why do all the children suddenly look like miniature versions of Potter?// Severus decided he was  
  
going mad. Perhaps he'd had one too many rounds under the cruciatus, and the damage was finally  
  
catching up to him.  
  
Severus had just settled into his hotel room when someone knocked and then pounded on the door.   
  
He peered through the round peephole and then opened the door. A blur of brown hair launched at  
  
him, nearly knocking him down.  
  
"Severus....Death Eaters....Malfoy...." his visitor gasped between breaths.  
  
"Hermione what.... now calm down." Severus looked down at her. She was ashen-faced and  
  
wide-eyed, hair and clothes askew. He closed the door and led her over to the bed. "Now what is  
  
this all about?" Hermione caught her breath and then straightened up.  
  
"I saw....oh gods....Malfoy down in the lobby." Hermione trembled slightly.  
  
"Are you certain? You saw his face?" Severus looked into her soft brown eyes and tightened his  
  
arm around her when he saw the fear.  
  
"I saw a man in a black cloak. I suppose it could have been someone else, but who else has hair like  
  
that? And he was carrying a mask." Hermione paused. "He was with a group of three others in  
  
hooded cloaks and masks." Severus paled at the implication. It had been seven years since the Dark  
  
Lord's fall. And there had been no trace of Death Eater activity for at least the past three years. //Why  
  
would Death Eaters be here in a Muggle hotel in London?//  
  
"Did they do anything?"  
  
"No. They were just standing in the lobby." And then Hermione giggled. "I also saw a couple of  
  
kids that looked kind of like Harry when he was a first year. They even had round glasses like he  
  
had." Severus' brow furrowed at this.  
  
"Then I am not imagining it," he muttered under his breath."  
  
"Imagining what, love?" Hermione relaxed a bit and snuggled closer to Severus.  
  
"I could have sworn I saw at least four different boys, all of whom resembled Potter," Severus  
  
growled. "I thought I was going insane." Hermione giggled. She looked up at Severus, and he  
  
caught her lips in a tender kiss. He groaned as she pressed closer, twining her fingers through his  
  
long, raven-black hair. But he broke off suddenly.  
  
"We should look into this alleged Death Eater gathering," Severus said. He stood and pulled  
  
Hermione to her feet. "I certainly hope this is just a misunderstanding."  
  
They stepped out of the room and headed toward the bank of elevators. Severus glanced each way,  
  
but there was no one in sight. He pressed the down arrow button. The elevator doors slid open, and  
  
they came face to face with three death eaters. One of the Death Eaters raised a wand. Severus' eyes  
  
widened, and he whipped his wand out of a sleeve.  
  
"Avada- " the Death Eater began.  
  
"Stupify!" Severus yelled. In a blinding flash of light, all three death eaters fell to the ground  
  
unconscious. The elevator door began to close but opened again as it hit the arm of a fallen Death  
  
Eater. Severus stepped forward and tore the masks from the three stunned figures. Hermione  
  
collected their wands and then gaped when she examined the rubbery plastic 'wands.'  
  
"These aren't Death Eaters! Hermione exclaimed. "And I don't think they are even Wizards!"   
  
Severus tossed aside the plastic masks and came to the same conclusion.  
  
"Oh Merlin!" he frowned. "They appear to be Muggles, but they are dressed as....and I could have  
  
sworn one of them started to utter the killing curse." Meanwhile, Hermione had wakened them and  
  
cast a quick memory modifying charm. The three hapless Muggles gazed about in confusion.  
  
"Whoa! Rough elevator ride!" One of them exclaimed.  
  
"What is the occasion for your costume?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Oy! It's the Harry Potter Convention down in the main convention room!" another boy chirped  
  
excitedly.   
  
"Y'know, you'd almost make a passable Snape if you got a robe or something," the third boy  
  
declared, looking up nervously at Severus who towered over them with his arms folded menacingly  
  
across his chest. They bounced out of the elevator and down the hall before a very surprised Severus  
  
and Hermione could say anything.  
  
"How do they....what was....Potter what...." Severus spluttered incoherently.  
  
"I think we need to investigate this 'Harry Potter Convention,'" Hermione suggested.  
  
"How would Muggles know about Potter? Has his little fan club really gotten so far out of hand  
  
that..." But before Severus could finish sneering, Hermione pushed him forward into the waiting  
  
elevator.  
  
In the lobby, they spotted signs for the convention. The followed the signs into a large room and  
  
suddenly found themselves in a sea of messy-haired children with round glasses and lightning bolt  
  
scars on their foreheads.  
  
"Merlin's balls!" Severus exclaimed, turning a sickly green color. "I've died and gone to hell."   
  
Hermione just stared at the strange spectacle. Not only were there swarms of little Harry Potter look  
  
alikes, there were dozens of Death Eaters, a number of blond Malfoys, some rather ridiculous  
  
attempts at Dumbledore, and quite a few Snapes. They wandered up to a table near the door.  
  
"Welcome to the Harry Potter Convention!" Severus eyed the woman behind the table suspiciously.   
  
She was wearing cheap robes made of a cheap synthetic material and a pointed hat. "Oooh! Do you  
  
have a robe to wear?" she asked Severus. "You should enter the Snape look alike contest! You'd  
  
be perfect!"  
  
"Why would I want to look like myse " Severus began. Hermione jabbed him hard in the ribs.  
  
"When is the contest?" Hermione asked sweetly.  
  
"At noon," the woman told her.  
  
"We can go back to the room for your costume later, dear," Hermione told Severus with a wink.   
  
They hurried on to the next table.  
  
"Name tag, dears?" The large woman behind the table placed rectangles of paper and a felt tip pen  
  
in front of them. "Here. Write your names on these." Hermione giggled but jotted down her name  
  
on the tag and peeled off the adhesive backing. She stuck the tag to her shirt and then labeled a tag  
  
for Severus. He frowned at the little paper. 'Hello, my name is Severus Snape,' the tag read.  
  
"Oh dear," the woman sighed. "You're supposed to write your real names; not who you came as."   
  
Severus just stared blankly. The day was getting stranger by the minute.  
  
A few tables later, Hermione spotted a display selling costumes. She pulled Severus over. Severus  
  
studied a small basket labeled 'Snape noses.' He plucked one of the strange rubbery objects out of  
  
the basket and glared at it. Attached to it was a white elastic band. Hermione snatched the plastic  
  
appendage from Severus' hands and tried it on. Severus took one glance at her and buried his face  
  
in his hands.  
  
"I'd buy you one too, but you don't appear to need one," Hermione laughed. She handed the seller  
  
some Muggle money and dragged Severus on to the next table.  
  
"Please tell me you aren't going to wear that dreadful thing," Severus hissed. The mischievous  
  
glimmer in Hermione's eyes told him more than he wanted to know.  
  
Another table sold lightning bolt temporary tatoos and plastic wands, fake broomsticks, and round  
  
plastic glasses. Severus felt dizzy. He stepped back and promptly collided with a tall boy. The boy  
  
wore a black T-shirt with familiar red slitted eyes on it. The caption above the eyes read 'You-  
  
Know-Who.' Severus narrowed his eyes. //What do Muggles know of the Dark Lord?// When he  
  
turned around, Severus found himself looking straight into the eyes of the Dark Lord himself. He  
  
leaped back in panic, colliding with Hermione, who also stared at the red eyes.  
  
"Cool, aren't they!" the young man with the red slitted eyes said. "They're custom contacts!"   
  
Hermione suddenly understood.  
  
"Very realistic," she told the man. She turned back to Severus. "Not real," she whispered.  
  
"Not amusing," came the icy reply.  
  
"Hey, you do a pretty good impression of Snape!" the man said. "You should get a robe and enter  
  
the Snape look alike contest." And with that, the red eyed man wandered off. Severus glared at the  
  
man's back.  
  
"You know, Severus, maybe you should transfigure your jacket into a cloak or something and really  
  
enter the Snape look alike contest. You couldn't possibly lose," Hermione smirked.  
  
"No."  
  
A loud voice announced the start of the Snape look alike contest, and Hermione pulled Severus off  
  
to the men's toilets.  
  
"Just humor me," she smiled. "I'll make it up to you....later." Severus narrowed his eyes at the  
  
smoldering look she gave him, and then he stomped off to change. He emerged minutes later in his  
  
traditional black robes and cape.  
  
Severus stormed up to the stage, robes billowing behind him. He glowered venomously at anyone  
  
who looked his direction. On the stage, two women busied themselves lining up the contest  
  
participants. There were tall Snapes and short Snapes, Snapes with fake noses and Snapes with very  
  
greasy hair. There was even a Snape complete with a vulture hat, dress, and handbag. And none of  
  
them looked very much like Severus at all.  
  
After ten minutes of waiting while the judges examined each contestant, the verdict was in. The  
  
winner was a tall man with a very greasy black wig and fairly obviously enhanced nose. Severus  
  
just stared blankly at the judges and the winner. //How dare they!// He turned on his heel and swept  
  
away from the other contestants. Hermione rejoined him a moment later, giggling.  
  
"I see no humor in the situation, Miss Granger," Severus snapped. "How could they possibly think  
  
that vile Muggle looks anything like me?" Hermione just continued giggling and dragged Severus  
  
off to another table.  
  
"While you were busy impersonating yourself, I discovered these." She handed him a book.  
  
"Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone?" Severus read incredulously. "How? What?"  
  
"Have you ever heard the name J.K.Rowling?" Hermione asked. "That is the author's name."   
  
"Rowling? Hmmm. No." Severus furrowed his brown, racking his memory for some glimmer of  
  
familiarity. "Well, if it was indeed a witch who wrote the books, why sell to Muggles?"  
  
"Apparently these are best-selling books."  
  
"Looks like a lot of tripe to me," Severus sneered as he paged through one of the books. "Just Potter  
  
glorification drivel."  
  
"She doesn't seem to like you too much," Hermione commented.  
  
"Most people do not like me," Severus reminded her. "Particularly if they were ever students in my  
  
classes." Severus picked up the thickest book, entitled 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.'   
  
He paged through it and stopped suddenly at a chapter heading.  
  
"Oh sweet Merlin!" he exclaimed. His normally pale face looked paler than usual.  
  
"What's wrong, love?" Hermione leaned over to see the book in his hands. 'Snape's Worst  
  
Memory.'  
  
By the end of the chapter, Severus was shaking with rage. Hermione plucked the book from his  
  
hands and steered him away from the table.  
  
"Potter!" Severus spat in a murderous voice. "This Rowling. It must be Potter. Who else  
  
would "  
  
"I don't think Harry would out the wizarding society to muggles," Hermione said, trying to calm the  
  
fuming wizard. "Maybe we should contact the Headmaster."  
  
"Albus? Oh no. NO!" Severus growled. "Albus would actually enjoy this." But Hermione had  
  
wandered off again. She had spotted a display of posters. Severus followed warily. She pointed to  
  
a movie poster of a man loosely resembling Severus.  
  
"That does NOT look like me," Severus grumbled. "I am not that old! Merlin! Do they really  
  
think.... I look like I am 75 in that picture! Too old!" Severus stopped suddenly. "Why do I even  
  
care!"  
  
"Oh, don't you just adore Alan Rickman?" a woman standing on the other side of Hermione  
  
gushed. "He's so Snapey!" Severus rolled his eyes and strolled on to the next display.  
  
"So what's your favorite pairing?" chirped a dark haired young woman beside Severus to the blonde  
  
vendor behind the table.  
  
"Oh, I definitely like the Severus/Hermione thing!" the other woman exclaimed. "But you know,"  
  
she leaned in conspiratorially, "there are some pretty good Harry/Severus stories out there too."  
  
"Ooooh yes! Nothing like a steamy slash pairing!" the dark haired woman agreed.  
  
"Slash?" Severus inquired. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.  
  
"You know, gay," the vendor explained. "Like Harry and Draco or Harry and Snape." It took a  
  
moment for the meaning to register, but then Severus painfully closed his eyes and took a deep,  
  
calming breath.  
  
"And to what, praytell, do these, uh, pairings relate?"  
  
"Oh, fan fiction. That's where fans write their own stories about J.K.Rowling's characters."  
  
"Ah. Then I would have to go with the Granger/Snape pairing myself," Severus purred in a low,  
  
sultry voice. "Snape should never be paired with Potter."  
  
The two women stared dreamily, hypnotized by Severus' soft baritone.  
  
"Wow! You would make a really good Snape!" the dark haired woman sighed.  
  
"Indeed," Severus drawled. "How could you imagine me with anyone but Miss Granger? Certainly  
  
not with that insolent brat Potter." And he swept off before either woman could respond.  
  
"What was that about, love?" Hermione asked.   
  
"Apparently, Muggle fans write stories about us in various different relationships. One woman said  
  
that there are stories of Potter and me together, " Severus said distastefully. Hermione smirked. "It  
  
is NOT funny," he complained.  
  
"Come on, Severus. I want to buy a few things as gag gifts, and then we can go back to the room."   
  
Severus followed her obediently. //I am so whipped. How did I ever let this happen?//  
  
He waited impatiently as Hermione bought lightning bolt tatoos, more Snape noses, and some T-  
  
shirts. On their way out of the hall, Hermione spotted a display advertising the 'Severus Snape Fan  
  
Club.' She giggled and pulled Severus along.  
  
"Merlin help me," Severus said under his breath.  
  
"Oooh! Look!" one of the women at the table squealed. "He definitely does a good Snape!"   
  
Severus rolled his eyes in exasperation as two women rushed up to admire him.   
  
"Hermione!" Severus exclaimed desperately. "Can we please leave now!" Hermione turned to  
  
look at him and snorted in amusement at the two women attatched to his arms, gazing up at him  
  
dreamily.  
  
"Well, this is your fan club, Severus." She turned back to the table.  
  
"Unhand me!" Severus demanded, shaking the women off his arms. He stormed up to Hermione  
  
and tugged at her arm.  
  
"Look, Severus! They've got so many sweet things about you." Severus looked at the table and  
  
immediately regretted it.  
  
"'Your Inner Snape', 'The Severus Snape Sex Manual', 'Why We Love the Greasy Git'! What is  
  
this? Make fun of Severus day?!" Severus spluttered.  
  
"Oh Severus," Hermione laughed. "It's all in good fun. Come on. Let's go back to the room, and  
  
I'll make you forget all about it."  
  
They made their way through a herd of Harry Potters and around a cluster of Death Eaters, two  
  
Dumbledores, and five Voldemorts. Hermione smiled to herself.  
  
"Just wait until he gets that 'Greasy Git' T-shirt for Christmas." 


End file.
